that darn kat

"May the bridges I burn light the way." - Dylan McKay, 90210

  • 30th May
    2014
  • 30
You may think it’s unfair that we have to counteract and adjust ourselves for the ill behavior of other men. You know what? You’re right. It is unfair. Is that the fault of women? Or is it the fault of the men who act abysmally and make the rest of us look bad? If issues of fairness bother you, get mad at the men who make you and your actions appear questionable.
  • 21st February
    2012
  • 21

baddominicana:

Men Get Raped Too- A response. (TW)

stfusexists:

This is an incredible piece of writing on the phenomenon that has become a meme of sorts, “What about teh menz?”. I really enjoyed this, instant follow.   

sexistculture:

You know, I just checked back in on this post, and something about this last response rubbed me the wrong way. Not because I disagree with anything it said on its own, just because I think it ignored a very real problem in responding to reactions in feminist discourse and I think it missed the context on what it was responding to. 


Here’s the deal: Straight cis men do get raped. Straight cis men do get abused. Straight cis men do suffer lots of problems because of weird patriarchal notions of masculinity. You’d be hard pressed to find a feminist that disagrees with those ideas. But here’s the thing: it can’t and shouldn’t dominate the conversation when women or trans men or LGBTQ folks talk about the type of oppression that THEY face. And it does! All the time, and in ways that are totally irrelevant.

When you read a post where a woman describes her rape trauma, and someone comes in and says “Well, men get raped too, what about the men?”, they’re not saying “We’re all potential victims of sexual assault, look at how awful this is, let’s examine it as one entity called “human” that is opposed to this type of behavior in all of its forms.” What they ARE saying is “STFU, woman. This isn’t just a woman problem, so you’re not allowed to talk about it in any terms that acknowledge your womaness, or gender as a factor at all. We don’t care that rape statistics show that women are much, much, more likely to be raped than straight cis men. We certainly don’t care that people with disabilities and trans people face even more severely heightened odds of being raped. We don’t care. Straight cis men get raped too. Therefore this is a non-story and you really shouldn’t be talking about it. Especially not in any context that we don’t agree with or approve of. Men get raped too, so your story is irrelevant.”

That’s why “But what about the menz?” is a meme in feminist circles. It’s because we see that idea ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. If we talk about about anything related to harassment, anything related to how we experience the world on a day to day basis, some asshole will come in and say “Men could conceivably experience that too, YOUR ARGUMENT IS IRRELEVANT.” It’s a derailing tactic. A way of telling us to Shut The Fuck Up, and center the conversation around the people that matter: straight white cis guys.

It’s a reminder that if we make the conversation about us and our own experiences, and we don’t go out of our way to acknowledge those straight, cis white guys… well, clearly it’s because WE are excluding THEM, and it has nothing to do with their inability to identify with us. Because they’re the default. So you can’t talk about human experience in female terms and have it not be automatically exclusionary to the guys that you are not talking about. Or the white people you’re not talking about if you’re discussing the experience of being a person of color. Or the straight people you’re not talking about if you’re talking about being gay.

And as a feminist, let me say this: Guys, I understand that bad things happen to you. I understand that you experience rape, harassment, problems related to sexuality and your masculinity. I get that. When I talk about me? It’s not because I’m refusing to talk about you. You’re allowed in. Share your stories, but stop acting like there’s something wrong with me if I don’t talk about yours every single time I talk about mine. Tell us what happened to you and how it made you feel and why you feel that way. Sit down at the proverbial table  with us, have a drink, and tell us what makes you sad about the world.

But don’t you dare fucking interrupt me while you do it. This is a conversation, and in a polite conversation you have to listen and wait for your turn.

It occurs to me that I have never seen a woman interrupt a conversation about male rape to say “You know, women get raped, too.”

(via cchimsuan)

  • 26th August
    2011
  • 26
Because of these women who use rape accusations as leverage, the weight of rape accusations in the courtroom has been trivialized. Genuine rape victims, who have already been violated physically and who should be commended for standing up to face their attackers in court, are forced to let teams of lawyers violate their entire life stories in the name of justice. It is easy to blame powerful men with teams of expensive lawyers for the scrutiny under which these victims are placed, but it’s just as important for these women who use false accusations to take advantage of powerful men to remember that they aren’t just hurting the reputations of men they accuse, they’re hurting the reputations of genuine rape victims too.

Never Sarcastic: Next step: we stop calling it “pseudo-rape”

Having worked with rape survivors on and off for the past nine years, I actually really disagree with this. False rape allegations are extremely rare (no more common than false reporting for other crimes).  If two out of 100 people who report a theft are lying, am I going to use those two people as an excuse not to believe the other 98?  No — unless I’m pointedly looking for a reason to discredit them.  People who don’t believe rape survivors will use any excuse.  While false rape allegations are abhorrent, they’re not the cause of actual survivors not being believed.  At the end of the day, this line of thinking is actually just another way to shift blame from where it belongs — the rapists — and assign it to women.

(And yes, not all rapists are men, and not all survivors/false reporters are women.)

(via meowsense)

In response, I have to say first of all, I am very much aware that not all rapists are men and not all victims/false reporters are women. My original response was getting very bulky so I decided to keep it simple and use terms that pertained to the DSK case which was about a woman accusing a man because that was where my original argument stemmed from. In no way is that meant to imply that the woman in the DSK case was a false accuser, either. 

I don’t know how or why you say you completely disagree with me. Because of those two people who lied in reporting a “theft” (to use your example), in the eyes of the court, the claims of the rest of the 100 people who reported thefts are now also suspect. That’s why when people report that large, insured items have gone missing, if the situation is questionable, the police will do an investigation to make sure that the person isn’t lying to collect insurance money. In the case of rape, that sort of thorough investigation is much more personal, especially to someone who has already been physically and emotionally violated. Even if it is only one woman (or man, or child persuaded by a parent) lying or making a false accusation, it throws doubt onto every single other accusation that comes through the door, real or not.

I’m definitely not saying we should discredit or seek to disprove women (or men or children) who make rape accusations. Absolutely not. We should fully support them and take every step possible to make them feel safe and that justice is being served. But what I am saying is that, even if there aren’t that many people making false allegations), those few who do are just as much at fault for the perseverance of rape culture as the rapists are themselves.

Here’s how I think of it. My boyfriend is a teacher. My mom is a teacher. If anyone ever leveled a false rape allegation at either of them, I would certainly hope that the legal system would protect them as much as it would a genuine rape victim. Because in the case of a false rape allegation, the victim is the person being accused. 

tl;dr If people would just be fucking honest and not lie in court, the world would be a better place and rape victims wouldn’t have to undergo the traumatic experience of having all their dirty laundry aired out in courtroom.

(via ryeisenberg)

Oh, the thing about rapists/survivors being of multiple sexes/gender identities wasn’t aimed at you!  I should have specified!  I just know from previous Tumblr (and other) situations that this is an easy point of derailment by people who don’t actually care about rape.

And I don’t completely disagree with you — I’m sorry if I gave the impression that I did.  It was really just the idea that people lying about rape in any way contributes to actual victims not being believed.  Even if 100% of accusations were 100% true, rape denialists would still be looking for reasons not to believe the accusers.  I know you personally aren’t looking for reasons to doubt survivors (I did read your original post and do realize we’re on the same side of the issue); I was just saying that this argument is often used by people on the other side, and that it just becomes another way of blaming someone other than rapists for rape.  I think maybe my tone wasn’t clear in my original response — I agree with most of what you said; it was just that one piece I took issue with.  The point you raise in response to my theft example is interesting, too.

(via ryeisenberg)

  • 26th August
    2011
  • 26
Because of these women who use rape accusations as leverage, the weight of rape accusations in the courtroom has been trivialized. Genuine rape victims, who have already been violated physically and who should be commended for standing up to face their attackers in court, are forced to let teams of lawyers violate their entire life stories in the name of justice. It is easy to blame powerful men with teams of expensive lawyers for the scrutiny under which these victims are placed, but it’s just as important for these women who use false accusations to take advantage of powerful men to remember that they aren’t just hurting the reputations of men they accuse, they’re hurting the reputations of genuine rape victims too.

Never Sarcastic: Next step: we stop calling it “pseudo-rape”

Having worked with rape survivors on and off for the past nine years, I actually really disagree with this. False rape allegations are extremely rare (no more common than false reporting for other crimes).  If two out of 100 people who report a theft are lying, am I going to use those two people as an excuse not to believe the other 98?  No — unless I’m pointedly looking for a reason to discredit them.  People who don’t believe rape survivors will use any excuse.  While false rape allegations are abhorrent, they’re not the cause of actual survivors not being believed.  At the end of the day, this line of thinking is actually just another way to shift blame from where it belongs — the rapists — and assign it to women.

(And yes, not all rapists are men, and not all survivors/false reporters are women.)

  • 18th July
    2011
  • 18

[Content: rape, rape culture]

If I have told you that one of your friends raped me, and you tell me you are not taking sides, you have taken a side. Your decision was to support me or not support me. There was no third option. “Not taking sides” is “I don’t support you,” dressed up like morality and the higher ground. If “sides” was the problem, further discussion, introspective consideration, and information-seeking would effect a solution.

I perhaps could have accepted a friend who said, “I believe you, and I believe Flint is a rapist. But condemning all rapists as people who should never have friends or family or happiness probably won’t stop them raping, or change what happened to you. I would like to continue trying to speak to him and support him because I still care about him, and I think he needs help to change. How will that affect my relationship with you? What do you need from me?” If “taking sides” was the problem, finding out if I was requiring sides-taking would have been the first step to finding a solution.

But nobody asked this of me. Nobody asked this of me because “taking sides’ wasn’t the problem: “I don’t want to deal with your rape” was the problem. And defining a rape victim discussing her rape as “forcing sides” is the solution, because now you’ve made the rape victim never want to talk to you again. Congratulations! Sides have been forced, and you have chosen one, while successfully covering your tracks. Now you don’t have to deal with rape, which was the actual problem you were seeking to solve.

Written by Harriet J. (via wildcursivescripps)

but what about the poor, poor rapist? :/

(via soydulcedeleche)

Harriet generally nails this topic.

(Source: rosewater-sailor, via lostgrrrls)

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